Leading the Sexes to Successful Communication

by Shirley Ryan

Whenever I hear the book mentioned, Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus, by John Gray, I cringe a little. I must say, I‘m uncomfortable around the whole polarization between gender thing, even though I accept that the dynamics between men and women are sometimes disparate around communication. Fast forwarding, I admit that there are some gaps in style, and that they do create challenges in the workplace as well as home.

Some of those differences began early on, when we learned our values surrounding communication as we were growing up. Those beliefs generated a different kind of culture between men and women. What is perceived as differences, besides biology, is really a set of beliefs based on different operational rules. 

We grew up using these rules learned through play, and the rules are reflected in the way we think, communicate, and problem solve as adults today. Now why do we need to know this and how does it affect leadership and family systems? Easy to deduce, if we lead the opposite sex or work with them in any way, we will want to know and use those differences to our advantage, now don’t we? Because today’s corporate teams need to work together. Productivity depends on leading our teams and our families in ways that make everyone successful. The way to make that happen is to get people communicating effectively across the culture of gender.

The first time I shared some cross gender communication techniques in a management workshop, I was talking to a group of upper level managers. Two men sitting beside each other were good friends, at the same level in the organization and equally educated. We were talking about communication and they were nodding. I wanted to make a point about assumptions in communication. I looked around and noticed the women were also nodding, so I asked the men what did their nodding mean to them. Well, of course they said they agreed with me.

However, when I asked the women what their nodding meant to them. They said with a knowing smile that they were not agreeing at all, that they were “following what I was saying” or perhaps “bonding with me,” but definitely not agreeing. These two managers looked shocked, and then looked at each other puzzled as the light dawned on their personal life. When men see women nod and think they are agreeing they are assuming a great deal. This is why men tend to see women as waffling on subjects, because they appear to change their minds. They are not waffling, since they never agreed in the first place.

So how does it happen that we evolve differently?  Although it was not a sinister plot, we were trained this way through childhood play. Even though children’s play is less rigidly programmed then it has been in the past, it is still a good place to get this conditioning. Everyone who was a child, knows a child, or has children knows that most girls grow up playing out family scenarios through the use of human likenesses like dolls, or using miniature replicas from the animal kingdom such as horse and dog families, etc. Their focus is less on power, and more on sharing, it is centered on involvement, and they are looking mostly for creativity, and buy in. Essentially, there are no bosses playing house…

Men on the other hand as boys’ play games that are more hierarchical and rule-based. They have the rules of war, of sports, etc. with an emphasis on power, hierarchy, command and control.  They learned to be aggressive through their play. I remember trying to exclude guns as toys in my household in the early 70’s. My 5 year old son just ate his sandwich into the shape of a gun and joyfully popped off imaginary villains around the kitchen table! Testosterone is just as much a reality as estrogen…

That said, we can see how children get messages from institutions that project a leadership role. Looking at the Boys Scout Oath they learned: I will do my duty and it shows clearly how boys are expected to act. On the other hand, girls grow up with what we think are also leadership-based training programs and grow with the Girl Scout Oath that states I will try to do my duty. What kind of mixed message is this? And this is only one instance! The rest of their lives women end up using disclaimers such as I am not sure, this may not make sense, sort of maybe, perhaps. In addition they use tags at the end of sentences to induce involvement such as OK, what do you think, huh?  Looking through the lens of the other genders’ culture, the perception is that of either hostility or apathy when working together.

While these skill sets are useful in some situations, it is important to choose what works best for each instance and not give into a one size fits all mentality.  Remember that if your only tool is a hammer all challenges will be seen as a nail. While in an emergency, power and direction is needed: war and surgery are examples, but limiting our toolbox causes problems for both gender. Neither good or bad nor right or wrong, it sets a certain operating standards over time with mixed levels of success. Let’s look at some of the ways that assertion and aggression in communication play out differently for men and women.

On the whole, men get way bigger parameters for playing out assertion and aggression.  They are expected to be aggressive and use their power to get what they want. As boys and even as men they bond through verbal bantering and sarcastic remarks. They can beat each other up verbally one minute, and then go out for a beer to bond the next. As boys they played side by side and as men they talk side by side and shoulder to shoulder.

The first time I noticed this I was in a hallway talking to a fellow therapist. How rude I thought, I am trying to go over a case with him and he is ogling women. He wasn’t of course; he was avoiding talking with me straight on. Most women see this as not paying attention or disengaging. When woman talk to each other and men, they talk face to face, posture is front to front. This is uncomfortable for men, and they see it as an aggressive act. They typically need to physically realign themselves to be more comfortable.

Women on the other hand are constrained by bans on behavior that play out differently depending on region. Many corporations have unspoken levels of acceptance on assertive and aggressive behavior in women. In order to be successful, women must learn the culture of the organization to understand what will be accepted. We don’t really think this out; since our behaviors tend to be invisible and unconscious of design.

Men and women continue to operate the way they played. Men tend to be situation-friendly, rebounding from situation to situation as need demands. They are good team players, support unquestioningly, attack and withdraw without getting personal even through the occasional war of words between colleagues. They rarely meet during the meetings, preferring to lobby for decisions, cornering each member strategically, much like a football play. The meeting is a formality.

Women on the other hand prefer building relationship and are trust oriented. Meetings are seen as all inclusive, self-directed, and collaborating to share ideas, completely missing the point of pre and post meeting poles that men find valuable. Women see this as political maneuvering. Men see not making all of the information available before the meeting a form of blindsiding.  They meet to recap and overview, therefore agenda’s seem unnecessary.

During meetings the differences are clearer:

Men focus on maneuvering

Women focus on sharing

Speaks at length Shows belief in ideas by dominating meeting Talks in declamatory sentences, interrupts or talks over the top of conversations Resists influence, especially in public Goes and poles everyone prior to meetings to set the stage for their issues Works a project: Aggressively, through directives and if all fails punts (sees this as the ability to risk) With successes they point inward With failures they point outward

Speak briefly, and waits turn Shares by taking only her allotted time (men see this as evidence that she doesn’t care) Sticks to timeframes Ideas as questions: I was wondering…what do you think? See discussions outside of the meeting as political   Works a project: They will want to be honest about what they know, don’t typically bluff and brazenly shares that they are guessing. With success they point outward With failures they point inward

 

Some time ago, during a meeting with a group of Human Resource professionals, I asked what they felt the number one issue they had within their companies. What gave them the greatest challenge? I fully expected some performance issues. No they declared, not in the “at will state” capitol of the country. They agreed that the biggest challenge is still as old as history itself…communication.

Honestly I was surprised, because I know that high productivity depends on solid communication, and it is hard to believe you can have one without the other.  Regardless, anything that can be done to ensure that teams are functioning at peak performance is usually important.  If then, leadership is to be successful; we must be knowledgeable about and accommodate the differences between male and female team members to have greater team successes and company prosperity.

Seeing value in each of the cultures within a team is essential to good performance, whether the culture is race specific, or gender specific in origin.  All individuals offer a unique blend of personality traits to a groups function.  I concede that some men and some women have learned to use some gender opposite traits.  But generally speaking, males bring a sense of aggressive, directive postures and political maneuvering to the table. While on the other hand, women provide cohesiveness; build relationships, trust, collaboration and involvement within these same teams.

Like a giant jigsaw puzzle, both communication skill sets are needed to create a rich tapestry that holds all of the puzzle pieces together. Without which, we might lose coherence and the future opportunity to act credibly again.  Integrating these skills into a collaborative effort elevates the end result to its highest level of conscious act. By marrying the yin and yang of the teams efforts: resistance vs. yielding, dominance vs. sharing, questioning vs. directive action we weave together a conclusion that is sure to produce results that people can live and grow with over time.

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Pat Heim, Ph.D., Invisible Rules

Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. You Just Don’t Understand, That’s Not What I Meant